i'm drowning and this time theres no one to save me

i thought i was doing okay and that life was finally looking up.
i thought maybe i was finally happpy and that i was doing better.
i thought maybe i was whole again and that my life was finally coming together.
im not. lifes not. it was all just a lie. i was tricking myself to believe things that werent true.
it was all a hoax. a hoax faker than the ufo balloon.
and now i falling into a hole so deep, im not sure how im ever going to recover.
and thats not even the worst part. the biggest downside is that nobody can tell.
nobody but me sees the pain, the misery, the suffering.
maybe i hide it all too well, or maybe people are merely too oblivious.
and for a while, i was able to deceive myself. letting myself think life was suddenly brighter and lucid. lies. treasuries.
i need you, God. I really do.
maybe i need to break down. like completely let my self crumble.
cry every tear left in my body and tear out my heart.
maybe ive been cramming too much emotion down and i should just let it all out.
maybe ill be like pandoras box. once every bad feeling is set free, the last thing left will be hope.
then maybe i can put myself together piece by piece.
go back to square one, and form myself, CORRECTLY this time.
but everyone else seems so fine. they seem to be enjoying life.
so why me? ive been through the most.
so why is my life, so average and jacked up?
im not pretty, im not smart, im mediocre at everything, and my family is jacked up.
i hate this. i hate putting on a mask everyday, and acting like a stranger to fit in.
thats not my true colors. my lifes not a masquerade, no, its not.
i need to be happy. i need to be loved.
Lord, love me. Help me. But God thank you for blessing me. Amen.

don't rain on my parade.

i know, i know. i promised myself, that i would get over it.
that i'd swipe it of my memory, and that i'd forgive you nonetheless. and i will.
but i can't help but vent. because truthfully, it hurts.
no matter how hard i try to explain and find excuses for your actions
i can't help but feel the umbrage lying splat in my heart.
you and jesse may be my friends now, but you don't know me well enough to go dish dirt on me.
especially not to jesse's mother. no, you don't.
i should probably stick up for myself, defend myself, and act back.
that would be ethical, and more or less, fair.
but im not, because im better than that. and i was hoping highschool would bring us past that.
but i guess we're not.
we're all still the same. just kids who live off of gossip and drama, even though we try to be discreet about it.
and yeah that sucks, how we call each other friends and yet you stab me in the back.
sure, i understand jesse's case. im not biased or anything, but guys are just like that.
and he's probably not used to ditsy girls like me. messed up, yet understandable.
but with your case, it dissappoints me. because despite your cutting bluntness,
i tried to look past it and see you as a friend,
but instead you have me second guessing our friendship.
how could you, no, how dare you. you don't know me well enough.
no, you definitely dont. and i dont know you well enough.
and i was hoping that we would get to know each other more,
but you just created a fence between us. a boundary that is now inpenetrable.
and you flushed my trust down the drain. and maybe perhaps our friendship.
if you cant accept me, then whatever.
i don't need any more two faced people or fakers in my life anymore.
im way beyond that and it's inflicted too much pain on me.
so if you don't like me, oh well. move on. and don't ruin high school for me.

anddd now that i've vented... i forgive you.

I swam in his deep blue eyes and drank from his lips.

To say that I am tired, would be a big understatement.
I am exhausted to the point where I can't even close my eyelids.
I've been gone during the diminutive break my district graciously allowed us.
Sedona, Grand Canyon, then Vegas. all in 4 days.
We arrived home at 1 am in the morning, and I was left to finish homework until 4 in solitary.
Through the trip, I realized that all we really have left are pictures, and memories.
It's sad, really. and a bit traumatizing.
time literally flies by you, and it doesn't wait for you to catch up.
It's not tangible, and you can't grab it. I know. It sucks. alot.
I thought that maybe this family vacation would help set my mind off school,
and give me the chance to catch my breath and time for myself.
But I didn't benefit much from the trip. nothing but a sore and bloated body.
Life's just a really big paradox. and unfortunately, its inevitable.
we're all forced to face it, whether you like it or not.
It isn't something you can stop wondering about.
and along your curiosity, life flies by you.
and when the end suddenly nears, the abruptness catches you by surprise.
so its all a big mystery. the beginning and the end is questionable.
but thankfully, i have god, and he is my answer.

I know this post was really out of the blue, but I've lost my sanity at the moment <3

Love now and always,
Yuna Surie Jeon

You make the good girls go bad.

i`m sorry i`ve neglected you for a while!
i love you just the same. i dont mean to alienate you and solely utilize tumblr.
tumblr is just more accessible and easy. LOLLL.
i feel like every post that is posted on this blog has to be official and formal.
and i`m glad it is. this is the one place i can truly vent with my heart.
i have my reasons. majorly becuase no one actually reads this.
in a way, that feeling of secrecy and privacy coaxes me.
that this journal is simply my own, and for my own eyes only.
but if any human being eyes are following these words, please do comment and say so.
other people reading this isn't such a negative. i can opt for this to be public.
than i guess i'd have a better sense of purpose for this blog and a better reason to use this ;)
but for now, this is good. this is okay, and this is it.

shed me from this pain.

i realized today, that we love changing ourselves. we thrive on change.

we constantly long for this drastic change, anything from a different hairstyle, wardrobe, anything to get us away from looking like our dull selves.

or a change of personality, friends, mentality, religion and whatnot.

either way, we want to change ourselves; for better or for worse.

but, the thing is; we don’t like it when the people around us change.

when we see friends or family changing, it becomes weird, strange, and unneccessary.

its hypocrisy, but its the undeniable truth.

fight for love

they're so nice to look at, even from a girl's perspective, they look incredible.

Can you hear my heart beating for you

TGIF, F`SHO <3

i feel like everyday BUT friday feels like friday -_-;

but im so glad this week is over, i could have done without this week, srsly.

midterms, homework, projects, and all that shet.

its finally over with, and so is the first quarter.

time flies, right? its scary at times, how quick life goes by.

i`ve been praying a lot more and i`ve been singing more as well.

i feel like i’ve improved, like, i can hear it.

and now im actaully confident about my voice.

so i promised myself that i`d try out for a school musical when it comes out.

lols, totally high school musicallll, HAHAH ~

and things are getting better, placing this unfavorable week aside,

im definitely enjoying life more.

i`ve realized that im always paranoid or worried about the future, so i`ve decided to give myself a break for once,

and live in the moment. and it feels great. im more alive.

and tomorrows sarahs frkn birthday party! 7pm- midnight XD

I DIDNT EVEN GET HER A FRKN PRESENT YET. WTH DO I GET HER.

lifes good, thank you god.