i'm drowning and this time theres no one to save me

i thought i was doing okay and that life was finally looking up.
i thought maybe i was finally happpy and that i was doing better.
i thought maybe i was whole again and that my life was finally coming together.
im not. lifes not. it was all just a lie. i was tricking myself to believe things that werent true.
it was all a hoax. a hoax faker than the ufo balloon.
and now i falling into a hole so deep, im not sure how im ever going to recover.
and thats not even the worst part. the biggest downside is that nobody can tell.
nobody but me sees the pain, the misery, the suffering.
maybe i hide it all too well, or maybe people are merely too oblivious.
and for a while, i was able to deceive myself. letting myself think life was suddenly brighter and lucid. lies. treasuries.
i need you, God. I really do.
maybe i need to break down. like completely let my self crumble.
cry every tear left in my body and tear out my heart.
maybe ive been cramming too much emotion down and i should just let it all out.
maybe ill be like pandoras box. once every bad feeling is set free, the last thing left will be hope.
then maybe i can put myself together piece by piece.
go back to square one, and form myself, CORRECTLY this time.
but everyone else seems so fine. they seem to be enjoying life.
so why me? ive been through the most.
so why is my life, so average and jacked up?
im not pretty, im not smart, im mediocre at everything, and my family is jacked up.
i hate this. i hate putting on a mask everyday, and acting like a stranger to fit in.
thats not my true colors. my lifes not a masquerade, no, its not.
i need to be happy. i need to be loved.
Lord, love me. Help me. But God thank you for blessing me. Amen.

don't rain on my parade.

i know, i know. i promised myself, that i would get over it.
that i'd swipe it of my memory, and that i'd forgive you nonetheless. and i will.
but i can't help but vent. because truthfully, it hurts.
no matter how hard i try to explain and find excuses for your actions
i can't help but feel the umbrage lying splat in my heart.
you and jesse may be my friends now, but you don't know me well enough to go dish dirt on me.
especially not to jesse's mother. no, you don't.
i should probably stick up for myself, defend myself, and act back.
that would be ethical, and more or less, fair.
but im not, because im better than that. and i was hoping highschool would bring us past that.
but i guess we're not.
we're all still the same. just kids who live off of gossip and drama, even though we try to be discreet about it.
and yeah that sucks, how we call each other friends and yet you stab me in the back.
sure, i understand jesse's case. im not biased or anything, but guys are just like that.
and he's probably not used to ditsy girls like me. messed up, yet understandable.
but with your case, it dissappoints me. because despite your cutting bluntness,
i tried to look past it and see you as a friend,
but instead you have me second guessing our friendship.
how could you, no, how dare you. you don't know me well enough.
no, you definitely dont. and i dont know you well enough.
and i was hoping that we would get to know each other more,
but you just created a fence between us. a boundary that is now inpenetrable.
and you flushed my trust down the drain. and maybe perhaps our friendship.
if you cant accept me, then whatever.
i don't need any more two faced people or fakers in my life anymore.
im way beyond that and it's inflicted too much pain on me.
so if you don't like me, oh well. move on. and don't ruin high school for me.

anddd now that i've vented... i forgive you.