i thought i was doing okay and that life was finally looking up.
i thought maybe i was finally happpy and that i was doing better.
i thought maybe i was whole again and that my life was finally coming together.
im not. lifes not. it was all just a lie. i was tricking myself to believe things that werent true.
it was all a hoax. a hoax faker than the ufo balloon.
and now i falling into a hole so deep, im not sure how im ever going to recover.
and thats not even the worst part. the biggest downside is that nobody can tell.
nobody but me sees the pain, the misery, the suffering.
maybe i hide it all too well, or maybe people are merely too oblivious.
and for a while, i was able to deceive myself. letting myself think life was suddenly brighter and lucid. lies. treasuries.
i need you, God. I really do.
maybe i need to break down. like completely let my self crumble.
cry every tear left in my body and tear out my heart.
maybe ive been cramming too much emotion down and i should just let it all out.
maybe ill be like pandoras box. once every bad feeling is set free, the last thing left will be hope.
then maybe i can put myself together piece by piece.
go back to square one, and form myself, CORRECTLY this time.
but everyone else seems so fine. they seem to be enjoying life.
so why me? ive been through the most.
so why is my life, so average and jacked up?
im not pretty, im not smart, im mediocre at everything, and my family is jacked up.
i hate this. i hate putting on a mask everyday, and acting like a stranger to fit in.
thats not my true colors. my lifes not a masquerade, no, its not.
i need to be happy. i need to be loved.
Lord, love me. Help me. But God thank you for blessing me. Amen.
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